Most parents can understand the concept of unconditional love. It's this kind of love that expands beyond yourself. It's an unmovable state of being. An unconscious function, like metabolism. No matter what kind of trouble they might get into, or how proud they may make you, your love for your child can never decrease and never increase, because it just IS.
This is true of the parent-of-the-year, and this is true for a parent who shuns their child for their lifestyle choices and kicks them out of the house as an abandoned teenager. You see, love isn't the problem. Many people will go to their graves estranged from their children, despite loving them so much it hurts. Love for a child doesn't fluctuate on a scale. Pride, disappointment, frustration, gladness and joy do.
Which leads me to expectations. What do pride, disappointment, frustration, gladness and joy do if not reflect the extent to which our children miss, meet and excel our expectations?
When a parent beams with joy, they might as well be saying, "My child delighted me in a way I didn't expect."
When a parent condemns an action or choice, they are feeling that "My child did not act or choose the way I wanted them to; the way I expected them to."
So this is my goal: have no expectations. Allow my child to shape my expectations of her as she grows, explores, and develops her own interests, identity, skill and talents, and needs.
Now, I feel the need to add a caveat here - children need support, structure and discipline. When I am talking about allowing your child to be free of your expectations I am not referring to being free of rules, like not having ice cream for breakfast or forbidding them to go to school dressed as Elmo (both are real life requests from my daughter). I am talking about giving them the freedom to develop their own sense of self.
I consider myself progressive. Our household model is:
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return." - -eden abahbez, Nature Boy.
Our home is already one in which loving whoever you choose is emphasized and my kid gets this. She's currently planning to marry a girl AND a boy who live down the street. She plans to wear a dress AND pants.
So when I took her to the store yesterday with the guideline that she could buy one thing under $10 (because she's on a chore kick and I really want it to continue) the first thing she asked for was glasses. This was confusing to me. She doesn't need glasses, they typically aren't thought of as fashionable and when very young children wear glasses many people assume that they have a learning disability or some kind of developmental delay. I was shocked. At first I told her no.
But how is it different than telling your child who they should or shouldn't love? There's a sense of fear and protectiveness. There's lack of understanding. There's a reflection on you. On your parenting and on your character.
I'd be proud to have a gay child because my expectation is that all love is equal. I was concerned about having a child who wore glasses because my expectation is judgement from others. Another parent might feel the exact opposite.
Here's the point. It's not about my fear or lack of understanding. And when I tell my daughter that I love her "just as she is," I don't mean that I love my perception of who she is or my expectation for who she will become. I love her for the person she is to the core. The person she feels like on the inside. You can't tell from the picture above, but she also has blue and pink hair. This is how she sees herself (today), and I want her to feel comfortable to reflect how she feels on the inside on the outside.
And I want to challenge those who operate out of fear and lack of understanding. What role are your expectations playing? And what would happen if you let them go?
This is true of the parent-of-the-year, and this is true for a parent who shuns their child for their lifestyle choices and kicks them out of the house as an abandoned teenager. You see, love isn't the problem. Many people will go to their graves estranged from their children, despite loving them so much it hurts. Love for a child doesn't fluctuate on a scale. Pride, disappointment, frustration, gladness and joy do.
Which leads me to expectations. What do pride, disappointment, frustration, gladness and joy do if not reflect the extent to which our children miss, meet and excel our expectations?
When a parent beams with joy, they might as well be saying, "My child delighted me in a way I didn't expect."
When a parent condemns an action or choice, they are feeling that "My child did not act or choose the way I wanted them to; the way I expected them to."
So this is my goal: have no expectations. Allow my child to shape my expectations of her as she grows, explores, and develops her own interests, identity, skill and talents, and needs.
Now, I feel the need to add a caveat here - children need support, structure and discipline. When I am talking about allowing your child to be free of your expectations I am not referring to being free of rules, like not having ice cream for breakfast or forbidding them to go to school dressed as Elmo (both are real life requests from my daughter). I am talking about giving them the freedom to develop their own sense of self.
I consider myself progressive. Our household model is:
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return." - -eden abahbez, Nature Boy.
Our home is already one in which loving whoever you choose is emphasized and my kid gets this. She's currently planning to marry a girl AND a boy who live down the street. She plans to wear a dress AND pants.
So when I took her to the store yesterday with the guideline that she could buy one thing under $10 (because she's on a chore kick and I really want it to continue) the first thing she asked for was glasses. This was confusing to me. She doesn't need glasses, they typically aren't thought of as fashionable and when very young children wear glasses many people assume that they have a learning disability or some kind of developmental delay. I was shocked. At first I told her no.
But how is it different than telling your child who they should or shouldn't love? There's a sense of fear and protectiveness. There's lack of understanding. There's a reflection on you. On your parenting and on your character.
I'd be proud to have a gay child because my expectation is that all love is equal. I was concerned about having a child who wore glasses because my expectation is judgement from others. Another parent might feel the exact opposite.
Here's the point. It's not about my fear or lack of understanding. And when I tell my daughter that I love her "just as she is," I don't mean that I love my perception of who she is or my expectation for who she will become. I love her for the person she is to the core. The person she feels like on the inside. You can't tell from the picture above, but she also has blue and pink hair. This is how she sees herself (today), and I want her to feel comfortable to reflect how she feels on the inside on the outside.
And I want to challenge those who operate out of fear and lack of understanding. What role are your expectations playing? And what would happen if you let them go?