With January comes new resolutions, second chances and a general chance to reflect on your life. I tend to reject these things as having any tie to a specific date but I have found myself trying something new this January: online dating.
I gave in! The number of friends who are a part of this online dating culture is crazy! And most of them are listed on multiple sites (I don't think I'll be doing that). So I chose a site and I published a profile. And now I have to actually deal with the reality of online dating. Did you know you can't just post a profile and then automatically find compatible friends with instant magic and chemistry? You have to, like, actually talk to people and check the website frequently for messages and reject 87 "No's" for a single "Maybe". And the pick-up lines....oh, the pick-up lines!
"Can I have your jersey? Cause I need your name and number." -- True story.
But here are my take-aways because this experience has not been 100% negative. If nothing else it has prompted a lot of internal reflection. What DO I want? Am I even interested in dating? Is dating a realistic venture when you're a single mom and you already have way too much going on? How do I keep my daughter safe, physically and emotionally, during this process?
Pros:
#1- Saves time and disappointment: From profile-surfing alone I have identified some easy deal-breakers. Maybe these things would not be so black & white if I were to meet someone in person, but for the purpose of screening thousands of strangers I figure it's good to have some parameters. Profile deal-breakers: shorter than me, younger than me, smoke cigarettes, dissimilar levels of education and spiritual identity, and "have children, not at home." I'm sorry, but I automatically reject fathers who don't have their kids at least half-time. I'm sure there are many exceptions to the rule here and I admit to a strong personal bias, but I'm not going to waste my time on that one.
Oh, and bad spelling. I get that we live in a world of auto-correct and that a lot of people don't have natural spelling instincts. But this is an online profile. It's like a job application for a partner. Take the extra time to make sure you've spelled everything correctly. Don't use "text type" and jargon. That doesn't make a good first impression.
How does this type of screening save time and disappointment? Because it's all listed RIGHT THERE under the person's picture. You don't have to spend weeks or months learning that these deal-breakers exist while simultaneously forming an attachment to someone.
#2- Built-in distance: Men (and women, I'm sure) can get real creepy real fast. Maybe this would have been hilarious when I was on my own, but I have a kid to protect. I don't want men I'm unfamiliar with knowing my phone number or address.
Side note: If you haven't already done so, take a moment to Google yourself. Google your full name, email address, phone number, Facebook/Twitter name and any aliases. Many, many people are surprised to find that a pretty map and Google image of their house, as well as all past names, spouses, addresses and places of employment are EASY to find. ...Take precautions! Set your security settings on social media sites high. Use fake names and fake email addresses on social media or on the web. And use your employer's phone number and address on any professional networking sites. ...Google yourself every 6 months or so. You need to know what people can find!
#3- Getting to meet other busy parents: Because they're like me! They also want the built-in distance and the opportunity to screen people. I like these people. These are the people I want to meet.
Cons:
#1- No Meet-Cute: The meet-cute is the story of how you met the love of your life. The "I was at the dog park and our leashes got tangled," or "we were both in line at Starbucks and had ordered the same drink and both reached for it when they called it out at the bar." I realize that romantic movies have heavily influenced the desire for a meet-cute, but come on! How nice would if be to have a story that didn't start with, "well his profile picture was pretty cute so I sent him a Wink"?
#2- Pictures are misleading: In both directions. One or two of the people I've met do not look as good in person. They just take really good photographs. Similarly, I know good-looking friends who I would never have clicked on based on the pictures they post (these people have been kind enough to show me their profiles). So I wonder if I'm missing out because a person's pictures might be misleadingly awful.
#3- I feel exposed: I've already been found by one ex-boyfriend. And, as stated previously, I'm very aware that friends and coworkers might see my profile. And my town is fairly small so I get paranoid about people who are noticing me while out and about town. (That guy at the next table at Starbucks is REALLY looking at me- is he just checking me out or has he seen my profile!?)
#4- You lose the courtship: I really like being pursued. I like getting to know someone slowly and being asked out. I like having a date planned out ahead of time (by him) and figuring out where you fit into another person's world and where they fit into yours. There's a good possibility this isn't completely impossible with online dating, but it sure isn't the norm. For one thing I have to be the first one to make contact in a lot of cases (otherwise, what's the point if I'm not giving it my all?) And for another, privately messaged introductions seem to go like this, "You're really cute. So what are you looking for in a partner?"
Where's the romance? Where's the slow build?
#5- Creepers be creepin: There is a small, but persistent, sect of profile stalkers. These are the people who check my profile every hour (yes, I can see you looking at me) or who message me 30 times despite the fact that I've never written back. If I'm ever unlucky enough to be held hostage at the bottom of a well I'd place money on one of these guys being the culprit. Ew. Please go away!
I don't know if I'll keep this up. If nothing else the site serves to function as a distraction- like Facebook or Pinterest- which is not entirely unwelcome. But I don't have a lot of hope of finding success with online dating.
I am interested to hear from others though. Other people who have taken the online dating adventure ride (especially parents). What do you think? What are your pros and cons? Is it worth it? Any helpful tips?
It has to be better than being set up on a blind date, right?
I gave in! The number of friends who are a part of this online dating culture is crazy! And most of them are listed on multiple sites (I don't think I'll be doing that). So I chose a site and I published a profile. And now I have to actually deal with the reality of online dating. Did you know you can't just post a profile and then automatically find compatible friends with instant magic and chemistry? You have to, like, actually talk to people and check the website frequently for messages and reject 87 "No's" for a single "Maybe". And the pick-up lines....oh, the pick-up lines!
"Can I have your jersey? Cause I need your name and number." -- True story.
But here are my take-aways because this experience has not been 100% negative. If nothing else it has prompted a lot of internal reflection. What DO I want? Am I even interested in dating? Is dating a realistic venture when you're a single mom and you already have way too much going on? How do I keep my daughter safe, physically and emotionally, during this process?
Pros:
#1- Saves time and disappointment: From profile-surfing alone I have identified some easy deal-breakers. Maybe these things would not be so black & white if I were to meet someone in person, but for the purpose of screening thousands of strangers I figure it's good to have some parameters. Profile deal-breakers: shorter than me, younger than me, smoke cigarettes, dissimilar levels of education and spiritual identity, and "have children, not at home." I'm sorry, but I automatically reject fathers who don't have their kids at least half-time. I'm sure there are many exceptions to the rule here and I admit to a strong personal bias, but I'm not going to waste my time on that one.
Oh, and bad spelling. I get that we live in a world of auto-correct and that a lot of people don't have natural spelling instincts. But this is an online profile. It's like a job application for a partner. Take the extra time to make sure you've spelled everything correctly. Don't use "text type" and jargon. That doesn't make a good first impression.
How does this type of screening save time and disappointment? Because it's all listed RIGHT THERE under the person's picture. You don't have to spend weeks or months learning that these deal-breakers exist while simultaneously forming an attachment to someone.
#2- Built-in distance: Men (and women, I'm sure) can get real creepy real fast. Maybe this would have been hilarious when I was on my own, but I have a kid to protect. I don't want men I'm unfamiliar with knowing my phone number or address.
Side note: If you haven't already done so, take a moment to Google yourself. Google your full name, email address, phone number, Facebook/Twitter name and any aliases. Many, many people are surprised to find that a pretty map and Google image of their house, as well as all past names, spouses, addresses and places of employment are EASY to find. ...Take precautions! Set your security settings on social media sites high. Use fake names and fake email addresses on social media or on the web. And use your employer's phone number and address on any professional networking sites. ...Google yourself every 6 months or so. You need to know what people can find!
#3- Getting to meet other busy parents: Because they're like me! They also want the built-in distance and the opportunity to screen people. I like these people. These are the people I want to meet.
Cons:
#1- No Meet-Cute: The meet-cute is the story of how you met the love of your life. The "I was at the dog park and our leashes got tangled," or "we were both in line at Starbucks and had ordered the same drink and both reached for it when they called it out at the bar." I realize that romantic movies have heavily influenced the desire for a meet-cute, but come on! How nice would if be to have a story that didn't start with, "well his profile picture was pretty cute so I sent him a Wink"?
#2- Pictures are misleading: In both directions. One or two of the people I've met do not look as good in person. They just take really good photographs. Similarly, I know good-looking friends who I would never have clicked on based on the pictures they post (these people have been kind enough to show me their profiles). So I wonder if I'm missing out because a person's pictures might be misleadingly awful.
#3- I feel exposed: I've already been found by one ex-boyfriend. And, as stated previously, I'm very aware that friends and coworkers might see my profile. And my town is fairly small so I get paranoid about people who are noticing me while out and about town. (That guy at the next table at Starbucks is REALLY looking at me- is he just checking me out or has he seen my profile!?)
#4- You lose the courtship: I really like being pursued. I like getting to know someone slowly and being asked out. I like having a date planned out ahead of time (by him) and figuring out where you fit into another person's world and where they fit into yours. There's a good possibility this isn't completely impossible with online dating, but it sure isn't the norm. For one thing I have to be the first one to make contact in a lot of cases (otherwise, what's the point if I'm not giving it my all?) And for another, privately messaged introductions seem to go like this, "You're really cute. So what are you looking for in a partner?"
Where's the romance? Where's the slow build?
#5- Creepers be creepin: There is a small, but persistent, sect of profile stalkers. These are the people who check my profile every hour (yes, I can see you looking at me) or who message me 30 times despite the fact that I've never written back. If I'm ever unlucky enough to be held hostage at the bottom of a well I'd place money on one of these guys being the culprit. Ew. Please go away!
I don't know if I'll keep this up. If nothing else the site serves to function as a distraction- like Facebook or Pinterest- which is not entirely unwelcome. But I don't have a lot of hope of finding success with online dating.
I am interested to hear from others though. Other people who have taken the online dating adventure ride (especially parents). What do you think? What are your pros and cons? Is it worth it? Any helpful tips?
It has to be better than being set up on a blind date, right?